Today we have a very special guest sharing one of his favorite dishes. It’s the Scrappy Scruffy Terrier aka Panchito. Panchito is an expert when it comes to the best ways, or as he says the only way, of eating a hot dog and he asked me if he could make the world a better place by spreading his knowledge. Look at that face how can you say no? (If I said no he and his killer attack squirrel, behind him, would show me the ugly consequences.)
So please help me (humor me) welcome Señor Panchito with his enlightening culinary lesson.
*For best results please imagine or hear the following spoken in a scruffy raspy voice. But no need for a Mexican accent, he is trilingual and has practiced his non-regional diction.*Warning this dog has a potty mouth.*
Hola everybody, today I’m going to school- I mean teach you about the art of hot dog eating. Wait, wait a minute…who the hell was in charge of naming these delicious delicacies hot DOGS?? I mean WTF what were they thinking, these are made specially for dogs and you expect my people to eat something named after them? That’s really sick and twisted! It sounds like cannibalism and do I look like a dog version of Hanibal Hector to you? It must have been a cat person who came up with the name! But no worries I’m on top of it, my people (yes I have people – I’m a VIP/VeryImportantPuppie I’ll have you know), are now talking to Oxford Dictionaries and Webster Dictionaries to have this mess cleared up. From now on they will simply be known as H.D.s for Hot Damn these are good!
You better start paying attention because I don’t like repeating myself! For the most enjoyable H.D. experience you will need the following, one fresh H.D. flavor of your choice. I’m in a chicken kinda mood today and since those people that call themselves my “parents” won’t go and buy me a bucket of KFC today I’ll satisfy the craving with a chicken H.D.- yeah hardly!
Next, since Mother Nature really screwed us Dogs over by not giving us the opposable thumb, you’ll need help from one of those two legged, furless freaks of nature called humans. Silly blinding fuschia socks not necessary.
Have the opposable thumb showoff, I mean your Mommy unwrap the H.D. for you. Keep an eye on her cause she’ll try to steal it. Now demand they hand it over straight away!
Okay if you are a big small dog- that is a small dog on the big end of small, you may not be able to shove the whole H.D. in your mouth- Damm it! Ask your Mommy to slice it or cut it into strips for you.
Since I am a VIP, I like to be treated like one and that includes being hand fed. I’ve asked the Mommy to get close to my face on different angles so you can see the eating process better. Ready? Here is comes…
Sweet Colonel who are thou in heaven, these are f*^%#$@ delicious! Don’t get me wrong nothing beats a bucket but damn these are f’n good! We are going to do it again, this time in slow motion for you slow ones out there.
Repeat the process until the whole pack of H.D.s are gone, or until the cruel Mommy says you can’t have anymore.
But just to make sure inspect the plate again, sometimes they miss things- humans are inferior in intelligence to Dogs. Dr. Woofinowski said so- it’s science!
Now you’ll have to give the Mommy some attention to make her feel better for giving you a miniscule snack. Go on let her give you a little face scratching.
Ay chiguagua! Now she’s going to want to wipe your face! WTH is up with those Mommies always wanting to clean you, Mother-Smother!
Fight her every step of the cleaning process! Doesn’t she realize she’s embarrassing me and ruining my coiff!
That was hard work but it had to be done, now you’ll need a nap. Lay down, ignore the Mommy and it’s time to go catch Cats in your quiet place. Oh gees where are my manners, Brrrrppppppp! and if you feel the need to fart go on let it rip!
What! What do you want, why are you still here?? Go away I need to catch up on my sleep! I didn’t get this beautiful by staying up all day.
Oh I almost forgot to say, No superior intellect beings, aka Dogs, were harmed in the making of this public service announcement for the betterment of Canis lupus familiaris. Screw that, this one was! I only got 2 H.D.s and that is just abusive!