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The First Father’s Day Without Him

June 18, 2016 by Nancy Lopez-McHugh 12 Comments

For the past week and a half I have both avoided and tried to finish writing this blog post. It’s almost like if I finish it or actually put these thoughts down, that it will make an already true situation that much more real.

This will be the first Father’s Day without my dad. 
FathersDay2016_beachphoto

It has only been one month and one week since he passed away, and it will be my family’s first holiday without him. It will be a difficult day not only for my mother, my siblings and I, but also for his grandchildren, whom he was more than just a grandfather to. Maybe next year it will be easier, or maybe it won’t be.

I’ve been asking myself how do I honor him and his memory on this day, and another part of me just wants to ignore the day and skip it until everything isn’t still too raw.

Everywhere I turn I see Father’s Day themed media campaigns, quotes, poems, gifts, and memories shared by all sorts of people. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bitter or angry at that, it’s just that right now it is a reminder that my father is gone. That I won’t get to call him and wish him a good day or worst of all, that I won’t get to tell him I love him and get to hear him say back that he loves me too.

But instead of wallowing in that, I’m going to choose to push myself to remember that I was lucky. I was lucky to have had my father when so many others either never had one or lost theirs far sooner than I lost mine.

One of the most important lessons I learned from my father was to push through. Like many people my father had bumps in his life, but he always push through them and kept working hard to better the life of his family. From him I, and my siblings, learned to be hard workers and that we couldn’t and shouldn’t rely on others to better ourselves.

My father was an immigrant to the United States, and his immigrant story was like the perfect example of the American Dream that used to draw so many immigrants to the States in those times. Many years ago when he arrived as a young man he took a job as a migrant farm worker. He did that backbreaking work that many weren’t willing to do just so he could get his family ahead, so that his children could have a better life than he did. He soon became a naturalised American citizen, found a better and union protected factory job, voted, bought a house in the suburbs, and paid his bills and taxes just like all of his fellow American citizens.

He fought hard for that life. I don’t have any memory of him ever complaining about any of that either — not even though he had to work the graveyard ship, not even when a bad back injury on the job forced him to take some time off to recover, not even after he was diagnosed with cancer and began treatment; No instead all he could think of was getting back to work to so he could continue to provide for his family. After his back injury he went back to his job far too soon despite the physical pain, he again, just pushed through it.

My father sacrificed so much for us and he deserved so much more.

My father hardly ever took a sick day let alone a vacation, he was the most hardworking and dedicated person that I’ve ever known. It was because of this that he instilled a good work ethic in us and from him I learnt to not give up on something that I want to accomplish  — and to even be feisty when I have to be.

It’s sad and funny at the same time that it takes someone’s death to see the big picture. While I have always reminded myself, and proudly told people, about how my father built a better life for himself and his family, it isn’t until now that I can really see how much of what he did for us has always been a part of who I am. I guess I just took it for granted and now I only wish I could have him sitting in front of me so I could thank him one more time.

In my office I have a framed picture of my dad sitting besides my desk. I have it placed at an angle where I can turn and look at him smiling. It’s there so that I can remind myself that though we all wish he wasn’t gone, that he isn’t in pain or suffering from that horrible disease anymore. It is also there so that on these days when all I want to do is go lay in bed and cry, that I’ll see him looking at me and help me to instead push through and keep working hard to accomplish my goals for these new phases in both my life and work. Maybe one day our energies will come together again so that I can tell him once more that I love him, thank him for all that he sacrificed for us, and to tell him how much we all miss him.

Happy Father’s Day papi! Te queremos y te extrañamos mucho.  

 

(To those of you that made it this far, thank you for reading this. I know it is not easy to talk or read about loss — specially on this holiday. Give your fathers one extra hug and one extra I love you today. ) 

Filed Under: ~ musings~

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Comments

  1. Marisa Franca @ All Our Way says

    June 18, 2016 at 07:02

    I cried as I read your tribute to your dad because you were writing about my papà too. My sweet papà has been gone 22 years and there isn’t a day I don’t miss him. We were very close and a lot alike in temperament. We came to America to seek opportunity and make a life and that we did. My parents NEVER took a vacation nor did I ever hear them say it’s “my time”. Everything was a sacrifice for the family. Your dad is in heaven and he’ll always be in your heart. I’m praying for all of the fathers that generously sacrificed for the love of their family. Abbracci!

    Reply
    • Spicie Foodie says

      June 19, 2016 at 23:45

      It is a common immigrant story for so many people, isn’t it? Thank you so much for your kind words Marisa. They give me hope for the future. Hugs back!

      Reply
  2. Victoria of Flavors of the Sun says

    June 18, 2016 at 10:09

    What a lovely tribute, Nancy. I hope your Father’s Day passes with many loving memories overlaying the pain of missing your father.

    Reply
    • Spicie Foodie says

      June 19, 2016 at 23:43

      Thank you so much Victoria. Un abrazo amiga!

      Reply
  3. Catherine says

    June 18, 2016 at 10:26

    My heart understands all that you express. xo Catherine

    Reply
    • Spicie Foodie says

      June 19, 2016 at 23:43

      Thank you Catherine. Thinking of you today. xo

      Reply
  4. Eha says

    June 18, 2016 at 22:59

    Nancy: your darling Father will be with you to the end of your days . . . be proud and happy that it is thus! Be grateful that you had the privilege of being his daughter and that you do have the priceless memories: you too are the result of what he was and what he did! Mine left far, far too early over 40 years ago – there is not a day I do not remember, not a day I am not proud of having been his daughter , , , almost not a day he does not come up in some conversation ;) ! Father’s Day is but a designated date: every other of the 365 counts as much and perhaps more as they are special to him and you . . . . let the pain go and remember the smiles . . .

    Reply
    • Spicie Foodie says

      June 19, 2016 at 23:42

      Eha,

      I am so sorry you lost your father so long ago. I was lucky to have had mine as long as we did, and I do need to remember that always. Thank you so much for saying what you said. It was so beautiful and full of wisdom. I will share it with my siblings. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! hugs ~Nancy

      Reply
  5. Judy says

    June 20, 2016 at 07:44

    I know what you mean. I lost my dad 30 years ago, more than half my life ago, and I still think of imprint he made on my life. It’s the little things too. The stories he’d tell, the way he could do/fix practically anything.

    I’m sorry for your loss. I pray your grief is laced with sweet memories as you face and navigate holidays the year through. Peace to you and yours, Nancy.

    Reply
  6. John/Kitchen Riffs says

    June 21, 2016 at 19:26

    Such a nice tribute! It’s hard losing loved ones. My mom has been gone for a few years, but my father is still here, thank goodness. But he’s 95, and although he’s very healthy and active, I know his days are dwindling. But I try not to think of that. Wonderful piece of writing — thanks.

    Reply
  7. Frank says

    June 22, 2016 at 08:15

    Even though I’m lucky and still have both my parents, and both thankfully in good health at 80+ years old, I found myself holding back the tears as I read your wonderful tribute. It made me more grateful, and reminded me that I should make the most of the time we have left.

    Reply
    • Spicie Foodie says

      June 22, 2016 at 16:09

      Oh Frank that is so sweet, thank you so much. I’m super happy that you still have both of your parents and that they are in good health — wishing them and you a very, very long life. Hugs!

      Reply

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